


Pricks Like a Thorn

by Celestial_darlene



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Copious Romeo and Juliet references, Donghyuck theatre kid supremacy, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Summer, background nomin, mark is dumb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 04:00:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29343996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celestial_darlene/pseuds/Celestial_darlene
Summary: Donghyuck's finally managed to graduate school and the promise of summer stretches out in front of him like a lazy cat laying beneath the sun.(If only he had somebody to share that time with.)
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	1. 1.

Donghyuck absolutely does not shake. He’s spent half his life on a stage, smiling into a sea of people. It's not a habit he's about to break now.

He sits, trying not to tremble like a leaf, because he's Lee Donghyuck and Lee Donghyuck doesn't get nervous. The sun’s almost blinding today but he bears the weight of its gaze, squinting as his classmates collect their certificates. He's come this far. He might as well pay attention.

He doesn’t shake, but he’ll allow himself now, just for today. It’s a special occasion after all. 

He’s graduating, just like everybody else despite everything, so he’ll play the part of regular student who gets nervous.

He never has to come back. This is the end of the tunnel.The final boss. He's An Adult And He Is Graduating Today.

‘Lee Donghyuck’

Fuck.

He stands up, trying to smile and wobbles up to the podium. He shakes hands with his principal and then he's walking back and it finally dawns on him that this is over.

  
He’s done it. 

He’s finally fucking done it.

He leans back in his chair, stretching his back and throwing his head up towards sun. There’s a light breeze ruffling the sleeves of his gown and playing with his eyelashes and his hands are slightly clammy from how hard he’s clutching his diploma but he’s never been happier. He won’t drop it. He won’t let the lazy wind carry it away. He's worked too hard for this.

He sits back up straight and a smile stretches across his face.

He’s so goddamn happy.

When he throws his hat up into the sky as cheers erupt around him he’s free.  
_______

The ride back to Jenos house is like being barefoot on a summer night. 

They roll down the greasy clunky Windows and Donghyuck sticks his head out, yelling at the suburban houses they pass by, the ones he's never going to see again on the way home from school while the others sing along to Mobile by Avril Lavigne.

Chenle’s giggling at his antics so he ducks back and reaches over as far as he can, trying to smother him with kisses.

For once Chenle lets him. It's his special day after all. 

Jisung rolls his eyes, huffing and crossing his arms while Chenle keeps laughing, squawky and sharp.

'There's no need to be jealous Jisungie, I have enough love for you both.’ He tries to pull Jisung into his embrace but the seatbelt puts great restriction on his movements and he finds himself choking on the tight band. 

‘Kinky.’ Jeno snickers.

Chenle’s hysterical now, as he wipes his eyes and pushes Donghyuck away. Jisung blushes, punching him lightly in the shoulder.

He meets Jaemins eyes in the rear view mirror and he feels his stomach flutter because he’s done it. He's graduated and he's going to tell the boy he loves how he feels tonight.

Jeno laughs lightly, his shoulders rising and falling like ocean waves as the song fades out and the opening riff of Mr Brightside plays.

In this moment they are invincible.

"Under love's heavy burden do I sink."  
____________________________

It's a little after midnight, and the world smells like dead grass and honey.

Jenos front porch glows under the amber streetlights and Donghyuck shivers as he waves Chenle and Jisung goodbye as they make their way down the drive to Mrs Zhongs car. 

He blows a final, overly exaggerated kiss at they turn the corner and he wishes, not for the first time, that the pair wouldn't disappear every summer.

Jeno and Jaemin have said their goodbyes already in a normal way that didn't involve Shakespearean monologues, fake tears and bear hugs, so they’ve been waiting inside for the last twenty minutes.

He makes his way back into the sitting room to find it completely abandoned, blankets and empty soda cans strewn around the place, glinting with the light from the tv, long-forgotten and on mute. If Jenos mom could only see the state of disarray the room has fallen into in the short four hours shes been out, she wouldn't be long out cold on the floor.

He calls out. 

No reply. 

He hums absent mindedly, shrugging off his hoodie and trudging down the hall toward the kitchen, where he can hear voices going back and forth

Jaemin and Jeno have been closer lately. 

He hasn't thought about it too much. In fact, he's been purposefully ignoring it.

It's always been Donghyuck and Jaemin- and the others. 

While Donghyuck loved them, He and Jaemin had been each others number ones since as long as he could remember.

Jeno and Jaemin have been closer lately, and while may be in love he's not blind.

He hasn't even properly allowed himself to even consider the possibility of Jaemin being closer to Jeno than him.

This is for two reasons:

1\. Donghyuck is sharp as a tack but in a horrible way and Jeno is a genuine person who doesn't deserve to be the brunt of his jealousy and insecurity.  
2\. Donghyuck is an optimist. If he ignores the problem it'll cease to exist. Jaemin loves him back, he's just waiting on Donghyuck.  
3\. If he hasn't got Jaemin then who does he have?  
4\. What if they are actually close? And they drop him for the summer? Donghyuck can't possibly lose anybody else. His heart isn't as strong as everybody thinks it is. 

  
It aches, to be disposable, but he refuses to bring it up. As mentioned earlier, he is determined not to rock the boat. This is their last summer with Jeno. He doesn't want to fuck it up if his fears are confirmed.

He knows that if he brings up how they never invite him anywhere anymore the explanation will hurt. Especially when he’s so deeply in love with Jaemin.

He's been ignoring it and goddamit he can and will stay between them. 

He refuses to read the room.

He can’t afford to say anything about it since they’re the only thing he has left since Renjun moved six months ago. It stings, being the least favourite. If things are going to fall apart he wants to drag it out for as long as possible. 

All he needs is this summer. 

Then he has Jaemin all to himself.

He can make Jaemin fall in love with him when they're rooming in college, just like they always planned. When they're on the other side of the country and Jeno, sweet, caring, genuine Jeno is safely confined to FaceTime calls

And he knows he adds nothing. Knows that everytime he makes a jealous dig he only pushes them further away but fuck it hurts. 

He should be used to this by now. But everytime this happens it cuts deeper than the last.

No matter how much you anticipate it, the blow is always gonna hurt and when he hears what they're saying he feels himself completely crumble.

"Jaemin this is getting ridiculous. C'mon. You promised "

"Its not that easy"

"It's only gonna get harder the longer we wait."

"I know that," snappy "But he's happy right now. It can wait until tomorrow."

"You said graduation. C'mon, we wouldn't have to be doing this now if we'd been open from the start."

"He's had a shit year. He barely finished school. It would've messed things up."

"Jaem. Stringing him along is only gonna mess him even more."

"Shit."

Now they're looking at him standing, frozen in the doorway.

"Tell me what?" He's staring at Jaemin, eyes pleading. 

Tell me the feeling in my gut is wrong.

Jaemin says nothing, because he and Jaemin have grown up as one and they're so different but so similar at their centre. they both run from their feelings and they're both cruel and selfish.

Jeno isn't cruel, nor is he emotionally constipated or selfish. That's why he's the one to break the news.

His ears are ringing.

He can’t even bring himself to look at them. He stands there, vision blurry and the room heavy and silent and disgusting and everything it's not supposed to be because fuck these are his best friends. The fridge hums, low and loud and he thanks his lucky stars that Chenle and Jisung aren’t here to witness the carnage. 

‘How long?’ He says, the words quiet and croaky. Jesus Christ am I crying? He definitely can’t look at them now.

He doesn’t even understand why he’s upset. He knows that Jaemin and Jeno have something going on. He's know for a while now. He's been waiting for this. Jeno doesn't throw temper tantrums, Jeno doesn’t do drugs. Jeno has a realistic plan for after school. Jeno is safe. 

But some small part of him was really hoping. And it aches now and he's so fucking angry at himself for all those nights he lay awake dreaming of New York. Dreaming about the stage. Thinking of holding Jaemin. Thinking about his lips. 

He's angry at himself for entertaining those thoughts.

‘Three months now.’ Jaemin whispers.

Have the radio static always been that loud? He wants to kick something.

Disappointment. Crushing. 

He's sinking.

He wonders if he’s going to collapse under it all. It's not fair. He deserves Jaemin.

The quiet between them all is screaming at him.

‘Please say something Hyuck.’ Jaemins voice breaks. 

He still can’t look up.

‘Do the others know?’ He mumbles, he's crying so much now. Fuck this.

The lovers share a silence. 

‘Yeah.’ Jeno eventually says.

‘When’d they find out.’

‘Three months ago.’

Ouch.

‘So I’m the last-’

‘Hyuck you know it’s not like that.’ Jaemin.

‘Then what is it like? Jesus Christ. Why am I always last to know. Why'd you tell Chenle and Jisung before me. Did you tell Renjun over whatsapp? Fuckssake does Mark know?’

‘Hyuck-’

‘Is Jeno coming with us?’

‘Hyuck. I'm not going.’

If the room was tense before its stifling now.

Nobody says anything.

His stomach drops.

‘What?’

‘I'm not going to New York.’

Donghyuck can't breathe. The room is very small and he needs to get out of here. 

‘Hyuck.’

He feet are moving. He doesn’t know where he’s going. He feels seasick, like somebody reached into his chest and pulled out everything he’s ever known.

‘Hyuck.’

He looks up, and when he sees Jaemin and Jeno physically recoil he knows he looks like shit.

‘We had plans Jaemin.’

‘I fell in love. Please don’t be angry. This is our last summer together. We don’t want to lose you-’

‘Bullshit! You don't care about me. Never did."

That's a lie. On the contrary Jaemin is the only person who's ever cared.

Jaemin looks upset, his eyes are glassy and his hands shaking, eyebrows knitted into a tight knot and Donghyuck hates himself because he still thinks he's beautiful.

Jeno steps forward, putting a hand on Jaemins arm and Donghyuck tries not to gag because this is the worst case scenario.

‘We didn’t tell you because we knew you’d be upset. We wanted to wait till the right time.’

‘Because tonight was so perfect.’

‘Didn't wanna lie to you anymore.’ Jaemin says. His voice is so quiet Donghyuck can hear the sound of his own heart shattering. 

'I've been lying to you for my whole life Jaemin. You can't even do that for me.’

‘Hyuck what-’

'I'm in love with you.’

Nobody says anything when he leaves.

And he feels himself dry heaving and he crouched over on top of Jenos mothers geraniums and hopes he’s the one who has to clean this up.

Nothing happens. Of course nothing happens. He hasn't been drinking.

Something he actually has the ability to change.

Fuck this fuck this fuck this.

He hopes they both have a shit night.

A plague o'er both your houses.

  
________

Nothing could crush his mood. Nothing.

Not even Jaemin.

‘Fuck that guy.’ He says loudly.

They laugh like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard, but it’s clear nobody know what he’s talking about, and he doesn’t care enough to explain.

He’s in the back of a girl’s truck, and he’s pretty sure hey’re on their way to a party. Chaeyeons party he thinks. He likes Chaeyeon, she said his hair was pretty.

He chatters his teeth and grimaces at the sweat running down his forehead. The guy next to him has pointy knees and Donghyuck is annoyed because he could at least have the courtesy to not dig them into his thighs.

Why was he here again?

________

Someone has a disco ball out. 

Why do they have a disco ball?

If he was sweaty before he must be drenched now and he can't help but note, with bitterness, that this has been such an anticlimactic ending.

The lights are dizzying and the music is far too loud for his liking. Dancing was fun at first but now his whole body aches with loneliness and some asshole wont stop stepping on his feet.

He had his head in the clouds earlier but now he’s starting to come around and he’s suffering the physical consequences. His body is pounding and he can feel himself spiralling, everything that happened clear as day and his head is screaming at him. Telling him he’s never going to be loved by anyone.

He's so angry. He's angry at Jaemin for not loving him back. He's angry because this is what they'd dreamed of. Jaemin made a promise. Donghyuck has known for a while now that the strings tying them together have become more and more strained over the past year, but he praying that this summer would bring back what they used to have.

Jeno was supposed to be the best friend. Not him.

And he’s angry at Jeno. For being so fucking perfect. For being muscular, for being tall, for being unconditionally kind. For being everything Donghyuck isn’t.

He's angry, because He wants to scream at Jeno because I trusted you. And then he wants to cry, because Jeno has been nothing but nice to him during the last four years. And it’s his fault for being an awful person and making Jeno and Jaemin not want him around.

He's angry at Chenle and Jisung because they're so much younger than him and theyve got another two years of certainty.

He's angry at Renjun for fucking off to China. They were a team. They were supposed to graduate together. Renjun was supposed to keep Them all in check.

He's angry at Mark, for never saying goodbye when he left for college, and for giving Donghyuck the silent treatment. 

He's angry at himself because why didn't you tell him first. He almost laughs, because he spent all that time trying to protect what little they had left with Jeno and the irony of it all is that he's only gone and lost them both anyway.

He’s angry at himself for letting what he has with everybody in his life become a sinking ship. 

And he's angry at the world for leaving him entirely alone.

He needs water. Now.

  
_________

Theres a couple kissing against the counter, whispering sweet 'I love yous’ into each other's smiles . Donghyuck stares at them, and he knows that whatever they have isn't real becasuse this is highschool but he can't help but drown in self loathing because fuck thats all he wants in life.

He wants to throw his empty bottle at them, but he doesn't. Instead, he chooses to walk over to the fridge.

‘Maybe.. dont do that.’

He doesn't look up.

‘Fuck you. I just graduated highschool.’

A hand swats his away from the fridge door. 

‘You seem really drunk.’

Donghyuck looks up, he's annoyed and his words come out more snarky than he intends.

‘Fuck. You.’

Oh my god.

It’s Mark.

All he can do is stare and he sees Mark squirm under his gaze, tugging on his cap and adjusting his cap like he always does when he's uncomfortable the fucking bastard.

He's so thrown off. He's raw and bloody and bruised from earlier. He doesn't need to see Ghosts popping up. 

‘College boys don't do highschool parties. What the fuck are you doing here.’

‘I was around and Jaemin texted asking me to give you a lift.’

‘Fuck Jaemin,’ he slurs, ‘and fuck you. Fuck your fucking ride. I don’t wanna look at you.’

‘I don't exactly want to be here either.’ He snaps.

‘Good. I hope you're uncomfortable. I don't want you here.’

'I'm doing this for Jaemin. Come on.’

‘Fuck you.’

Mark grabs his wrist and tries to tug him along towards the hall.

Donghyuck yanks it back and by God, he's livid now.

‘’Said, FUCK YOUR FUCKING RIDE. YOU CANT JUST SHOW UP HERE LIKE YOU FUCKI G OWN THE PLACE.’

'you're making a scene.’

‘FUCK OFF.’

Donghyuck tried to walk over to slap him. Because who is Mark Lee to show up after a year of nothing, acting like he's so much better than Donghycuk and acting like he's so unhappy to be here. 

He stumbles and his stomach lurches and ‘oh god, maybe I am wasted.’ 

If he's wasted he doesn't understand why the pain is still there.

Alcohol is stupid.

______ 

He's in Marks car. 

Last time he was here was a year ago. Before Jaemin flaked, before Jeno stole the one real thing hes ever loved. Before Renjun moved. Before Mark forgot he existed.

It had been a night or two before graduation. They'd been in the middle of a heatwave.

Mark had been trying to teach him how to drive for the past few months and today was officially their last class before Mark finished highschool and left life as they knew it. 

They'd listened whatever Mark had on shuffle. 

Spins. By Mac Miller. Donghyuck only remembers because He can clearly envision mark singing along. 

‘You told your mom yet?’

He signs and rests his head back against the headrest. He lifts a hand of the steering reel and runs it through his dry, yellow hair. 

‘I did.’

'How'd it go?’

‘As well as youd expect it to. Shes not happy.’

‘Are you allowed?’

‘She says she's not happy about it, but she trusts me.’

'THats good.’

‘I guess.’

Marks voice is quiet and he sounds unsure of himself which is strange for Donghyuck and he doesn't think he likes it.

‘It's just like… I don't hate maths. I'm good at them. I could work with them and probably not want to kill myself. And it'd be stable and I wouldn't be wasting my life chasing a dream…’

‘But that’s not what you want. Is it?’

' I love music,’ He sighs, ‘-and I want to do something and I want people to hear my and I want to be apart of something I love and I want to do something someone will actually care about. But that's such a waste.’

Quiet.

‘Mark…’ he begins, unusually soft for once, ‘ no matter what you do you're gonna be fine yeah? You're mark Lee. You're going to be amazing at anything you try.’ 

He'd pretended not to see Mark cry, only humming along to the radio.

And now they're here. 

Donghyuck doesn't speak.

He doesn't know what to say, if there even is anything to say. 

Is there any point in making conversation if Marks going to go back to pretending he doesn't exist tomorrow morning? Will he cast away tonight like he's managed to cast away every other night they shared as friends?

Mark sighs, and runs his hand through his hair and it’s so strange, Donghyuck notes, how history repeats itself. 

Marks hair is longer now, its shiny and black and he looks less frazzled. He has different glasses and it's strange to see him in a hoodie that Donghyuck's never worn.

The ugly way he scrunches up his nose when he's about to say something that’s making him emotional is still the exact same.

‘Its been a while.’

‘I guess, yeah.’

Donghyuck isnt particularly patient. He's not going to makes this easy.

‘I missed you.’

‘Sure you did. And I'm guessing that's why you never responded.'

His face falls and he swallows, looking away, clearly uncomfortable.

Donghyuck is too angry and sad to care about Mark feeling comfy.

‘Good. Suffer.’ he thinks.

‘Hyuck-’

‘Save it.’

Silence.

‘Jesus christ, this is why i didnt want to get a lift with you. Today’s been shit enough as it I dont need you in my life making everything more fucked up than it already is.’

‘Jaemin break the news?’

‘Fuck you.'

Hes shaking with anger now, and he cant quite believe how vicious his words are coming out. Hes so filled with this bleak, defensive disappointment. This   
Isn't how it should be. Mark's back. He's wanted mark to come back for so long. Being horrible isn't going to mark care about him. 

But he's so hurt. He feels so raw and bloody and sensitive and small.

‘What do you want from me Mark?’ he says finally. Turning completely away from him and watching the streetlights pass them by.

'I want to be friends again.’

Donghyuck feels a new wave of irritation fall over him again.

He bites his lip while mark waits for a response.

‘Mark,’ he says, voice barely in a whisper. ‘ Let me remind you that Last time we were friends you left. You never said goodbye. You never texted. Never called. Everyone else got that and I didnt.’

He swallows, feeling that stupid ugly burning at the back of his throat.

‘You went to all the trouble to cut me off and you cant even stick to it. Im not a toy, you cant throw me around based on your whims... It hurts. Jeno and Jaemin don't love me anymore. Renjun's gone. Don't tell me you want anything to do with me when everything youve done over the past year has told me otherwise. Dont fucking show up here acting like you own the place if you're just going to leave without a trace all over again because I don't think I can take that again.’

He inhales.

‘Im not made of steel.’

Mark doesnt say anything. They're outside Donghyuck's house. 

Donghyuck pulls at the handle and he feels warmth cover it

Skin.

Familiar. 

Marks.

His face is wet now, and he's so angry because he's lee fucking donghyuck and he doesn't cry. Especially not this much in one night.

‘I'm sorry. For everything. I'm so stupid and I'm sick of running away and I want to make things better.’

‘Why'd you do it?’ He says now, feeling simultaneously too big and too small for his body.

He continues in a low voice.

‘Was it becaus of me?’

‘Jesus-. No Hyuck. It didn't have anything to do with you. I was trying to work through some stuff.’

‘Stuff that never got in the way of you and the others.’

‘Please.’ he looks over and despite his anger the sight of Marks stupid ugly face makes him feel like he's been struck across the stomach with a lead pipe. 

‘Just. Just hear me out. Please.’ He tears his hands through his hair, eyebrows knitted together.

‘I don't owe you anything.’

‘I know,’ he says sadly.

The radio static sits heavy between them, ringing like a siren in the dead of night.

He doesnt know why he says what he says.

Maybe he just wants somebody.

‘I'm exhausted. I'm sorry for being so difficult. Stuff happened earlier. I'm coming down. Everything hurts and I don't want to do this right now. Thank you for the lift.’

He's unbuckled his seatbelt and he's stepping out onto the asphalt. 

Then Marks says ‘Do you think well be okay?’

‘I dont know.' He stands there.

I dont know.’ He repeats himself.

Maybe.’ He swallows.

Mark nods.

Donghyuck sighs because he looks fucking pathetic.

‘Gimme like a week. I have shit to think about.’

‘Thank you.’ 

Quiet isnt a good look on Mark Lee.

"Let’s talk; it is not day."


	2. 2.

Donghyuck feels the hum of morning light dancing on his neck, he stretches out, the curtains brushing gently against his hair, socked feet hanging off the end of his bed. His head hurts and he sits up, swinging long legs onto the cold floor and he absentmindedly tugs at the shirt he never took off.

Jesus fuck, what did he even _do_ last night? He feels like he got hit by a bus.

There's this aching in his head and a sinking feeling in his heart as he puts together piece by piece what happened after he left school.

Chenle and Jisung are gone. Jaemin and Jeno are dating. Jaemin's not coming with him to New York. Mark's home. Everything is awful.

He feels his eyebrows knot together and he reaches up, rubbing his face. He doesn't need wrinkles on top of everything else wrong with his life.

He needs advil.

He stumbles around, kicking dirty clothes strewn across the floor in a half heated attempt to find his slippers and then he slowly but surely makes his way downstairs.

The kitchens empty, wooden chairs untucked from the table and dirty dishes piled up in the by the sink. The radio's off and it's strange to be down here and not have to rush off to school or rehearsals.

Theres's a note on the fridge.

' _Not impressed w the state you came home in last night. Mortified. Give room a tidy. Money for food. Talk when I get back_ '

He winces, because wheneer he has a conversation with his mum it feels like he's being put on trial and hes had the drug and alcohol talk with he so many times he wonders if he really needs to hear it again.

It's probably closer to afternoon at this part.

As he busys himself with making a cup of tea, he raises a hand half-heartedly to greet Scratchy.

Once his head has stopped pulsating and his stomach has stopped churning he's actually able to appreciate how peaceful it is. The sounds of his mother tattering about nothing over the radio while his father reads the newspaper under his breath, grumbling about the economy or hatever it is adults think about. The only noises to be heard are the sound of someone mowing their lawn a couple houses over. There's birds flying somewhere overhead, whooping and sqwaking in a raucous cacophany while his baby picks his way over, purring loudly.

His paws pick his path around dirty dishes, cutlery and half empty miscellaneous packets to reach him and in spite of everything and how shit he feels, Donghyuck stretches out a hand where his small head meets it halfway and they stay there, two behaving as one.

At least he's never gonna be disappointed in Donghyuck.

He moves on, creeping toward a loaf of stale bread and the feeling of something soft under his wonky fingers is more comforting than he’d like to admit. He pauses to sniff at a butter knife and he's glad, patting her and trying to control his breathing.

 _Its just you_ _and me now I guess_.

Jesus fuck. 

His mind can't stop relaying last nights events. He's thinking about everything that happened and its all so overwhelming because of course only Donghyuck would be able to lose his only two remaining present friends in the course of a single night. 

Jaemin's face completely dissolving into distress, his hands shaking. The awful, horrible quietness, Jeno's face stern but concerned, his own embarrassing emotions, welling up at the back of his throat, ugly and angry in the quiet of theor evening.

Party. Drinking. Mark. Driving with Mark.

He feels a fresh well of panic stir up, putting pressure on his lungs and he winces, as he remembers the tantrum he’d had at the party. Another reason, why nobody ever wanted to be around him.

He checks his phone. 12:47 am. Nobody's made any attempt to contact him, he notes, with great bitterness.

He doesn't even know what he'd say, what they'd say, what he wants them to say. 

The lack of notifications stirs a hollow pang that runs its course through his entire body.

Noone cares. Nobodys ever cared. They're glad to see the back of him. They've been wanting to drop him for a long time now and he blew up and they got their excuse. He only has himself to blame.

Mark Lee. 

_Mark_. 

He leans against the countertop, gently sipping his tea and running his fingers through Scratchys fur as he purs in the midst of the day.

______________

It had always been Jaemin and Donghyuck.

Day and night, sun and moon, order and chaos, heat followed by the storm.

Much to his chagrin, He doesn’t actually remember meeting Jaemin. He's just always been there, an ever-present devoted and familiar force of nature.

Seasons come and go, people change but Jaemin and Donghyuck would always be as thick as thieves.

He couldn't remember meeting Jaemin, but the story had told so many times the words came easy, swimming around a hazy atmosphere during barbecues at the Na's when the adults got drunk and sentimental. It was a story that poured out through childlike stops and starts as Donghyuck, faded pulled Jaemin under his arm and told whoever would listen just how good friends they were. 

Donghyuck can practically hear the hum of distant music while the moon hung high in the midnight sky, the rush of fire crackling so close to his fingertips. Children sat, sleepy and still while their parents become nostalgic about the dyas of their misspent youth.

Their moms had gone to college together. They'd both been studying to get degrees in teaching and they'd moved in together shortly after during the following months between graduation and having a stable source of income.

They’d been best friends instantly.

They'd gotten married the same year, and been each others bridesmaids. They’d moved into the same nieghbourhood and had their children the same year.

Donghyuck was two months old when he met Jaemin and that's terrifying to think about now because Jaemin doesn't want anything to do with him anymore and Donghyuck doesn't know how to live without him. He's ruined everything. He was barely alive when Jaemin came into his life and he's now eighteen years old having lost him. He's never had to deal with this before because Jaemin's always been there no matter what and he's never felt so small in his body before now.

And now Donghyuck's moving away. Hes moving far, far away and Jaemin's not coming with him even though he promised he would. Hes going a different directions and Donghyuck thinks he's going to be sick because there's no way in hell he can do this alone. 

He’d always been there. An extra limb, presents on christmas, Getting twenty dollars on your birthday, sleepovers on the last night of summer, sticky fingers and morning dew- giggling and lying on Jaemin's trampoline, babbling about nothing.

He’d never questioned it because Jaemin was tradition. Jaemin was more familial than his own parents. Jaemin was safety and comfort and the only thing he's ever really wanted.

___________

When they were seven years old, Mark Lee entered the equation.

Canadian, Taller than both of them by a couple jealousy-inducing centimetres, older too; with ears that stuck out and dark shaggy hair that hung low into his eyes. Bug eyes, Donghyuck had remarked on several occasions. He'd always looked scared.

Jaemin, being Jamein taken one look at Mark Lee and decided to take him under his wing, despite being a year younger.

Jaemin had always been the more nurturing, motherly kind of friend.

  
Donghyuck, a strangely possessive child with absolutely zero cognitive thinking skills came to the conclusion that he did not like Mark Lee for reasons he couldnt figure out.

Jaemin wasn't for sharing. He couldnt help but notice everything.

They'd spent all of that summer riding around on their scooters, Mark of course, had a bike, because he was a year older than them and there's apparently something completely lurdicous about a seven year old having a bike but it's acceptable for a child of eight.

Donghyuck wasn't jealous. Definitely not.

All summer babies.

Mark stuttered and fell around his words when he was upset or frustrated in a way that Donghyuck hated to admit he found oddly satisfying. Maybe he was kind of a bad kid for it, but his mom was somebody who laughed off petty behaviours. 

("He's just like me!")  
  
He'd loved to get a rise out of Mark, constantly pulling at his sleeves and tugging on his cheeks and pinching his ears.

Mark, for god only knows what reason, had stuck with them. Maybe it was because Jaemin was worth going throuhg whatever fresh hell Donghyuck put him through, maybe it was becaus of his lack of other friends to choose from.

And then there were three.

When they were ten years old, Mark came out to them proudly, clutching a booklet advertising the local boyscout group. He'd told them about the guest speaker who'd come to his class, and told them about making fires and tying knots.

Jaemin, had joined because he'd wanted to become a scout.

Donghyuck joined, because he did whatever Jaemin did.

A number of things happened from there. 

1\. They'd met Renjun- A small, wiry boy with dry wit and a sharp tongue to rival Donghyucks own who was from the other side of town.  
2\. Mark and Donghyuck had become friends, albeit, reluctantly. It had more of a truce than anything.

It had gone like this:

Renjun different and exciting was new, and the camping trip was his first time with them. He meant Jaemin was no longer the shortest in the group which apparently meant a lot to Jaemin.

The four of them had been staying in the one tent, which had been divided up into two separate compartments. Jaemin had taken one look at Dionghyuck and Mark, grimaced and decided he wanted to stay with the new, interesting boy.

(Later, he laughed saying they should be grateful. He'd told them it was out of sympathy towards Renjun more than anything.

"Donghyuck is... Donghyuck and Mark is awkward beyond belief. It was an act of mercy more than anything.)

It left Mark and Donghyuck sat in the same section of the tent, turned away from each other and sulking.

Donghyuck had snapped at him. "Stop breathing so loud."

Mark had cried then, which was unexpected, because normally when Donghyuck said things ike that he'd go a funny shade of red and try fight back.

It felt like hed been slapped.

A wave of guilt crushing him as he realised his words actually did things to other people.

Oh god. I hope this doesn't make me a bad kid.

He'd sat there while Mark cried and then he'd told him sorry and they'd ditched the tent, pulling their sleeping bags outside onto the dead grass, staring up at the sky they'd talked until sunrise. Mark told him about his time in Canada and Donghyuck had in turn told him about the time he’d let Jaemin cut his hair.

Mark had laughed when he'd turned his back and parted his hair to show him the small scar he still had on the back of his neck from the shears.

After that they weren’t best friends, Jaemin would always come before anybody as far as donghyuck was aware. But now there was something. 

Not that Donghyuck would ever in a million years admit, but he somewhat held a kind of respect for mark.

Renjun would Cycle down to their estate everyday for the remainder of that summer.

\---------------------

Scratchy hadnt stuck around much longer after that, and he supposed he should probably take that as a sign to get moving.

But there was nothing to do.

Fuck.

So he lay on his couch and thought more.

His mom came home to find him like that, in a vegetative state with crumbs on his T-shirt, the same one he'd woken up on.

She'd looked away quickly, shaking her hed.

His own mother couldnt even look at him.

"Family feud? Really? How long have you been here? What time did you wake up? Jesus you couldn't even make dinner?"

He voice was getting thinner as she walked into the kitchen.

He made a noise that Resembled a grunt.

"You're eighteen now and you're out of school. You've no more excuses. Get a job. I was talking to Mrs Kim today. She's looking for help down at Swans."

  
Swans was a locally owned cafe-grocery store hybrid in town down by the church.

"It'll be good to have some kind of money for New York. Living is expensive. Run on down tomorrow. I told her you'd call in."  
  
"Okay."

He doesn't tell her about how Jaemin isnt going to new york. He doesn't tell her that he's currently friendless and feels like his life is a sinking ship. He doesn't tell her he doesn't think he'll be ever actually be loved or that Mark's home. He doesn't know how to make the words come out of his mouth.

He knows she means well.

He goes upstairs and shuts his eyes tightly, clutching his sheets, hoping if he pretends to sleep it'll happen, Scratchy curled up next to him, tiny body rising and falling in the low light.

\--------------

It's sunny again.

Like, eat shit sunny.

He has to wake up early to catch his dad and together, they manage to open the rusted lock on the shed door and Donghyuck retrieves his bike. Yearly tradition.

He tries not to think about how this is the last summer he’ll spend with it. It’ll be hard to lug a bicycle up and down an apartment stairwell. 

'Unrealistic' is what Jaemin had said.

Town is surprisingly quiet. He sees some of his mom’s neighbours out in various cafes and shops and he stares at them as he passes by. 

Swans is pretty vacant as far as Swans goes. It's probably the nicest place in their little town, epicentre of their community. It's mostly occupied by the elderly, who are generally speaking harmless, the students of the nearby girls school and people flooding in after whatever activities had happened in the community centre.

He doesn't particularly care enough to keep up with the happenings here. Especially since he’s always planned on leaving at first chance.

There's the ice cream station that they set up on the first day of every summer, expensive but popular with everyone. 

Right out on the street, decorating the entrance there's a couple mismatched but nonetheless pretty chairs and tables. He quickly spots Mrs Kim, grey hair pulled back into a neat knot at the top of her neck. Shes wearing a blue and white striped apron and on her face she wears an expression painted in concentration, as she narrowly avoids a collision with a group of children who run out in font of her. The large box of oranges she’s balanced precariously wobbles and he holds his breath for a monement.

"Hey honey! Could you take these off my hands for a minute? Ten’s at the register inside he’ll talk to you."

He nods and picks up the box and she flashes a quick smile at him.

Donghyuck isn’t somebody wh particularly cares about impressing adults, but Mrs Kim has a presence thats demands respect. She's lived a life. 

Ten slouches, leaning back against the counter with a phone pressed between his cheek and his shoulder, talking in his signature drawl while he picks at the cuticles of nails. He catches Donghyucks gaze and raises an eyebrow, hanging up with a giggle and leaning forward to take the box.

He hasn’t seen Ten in a while, what with life and everything happening.

He hasn't gotten any taller, not that Donghyuck expected him to, and he feels nakes under his sharp watch, eyes as catlike and observant as ever.

"You look like shit."

"Cheers Ten," he snorts. "You're not exactly the image of the Madonna either."  
  
"Nonsense," he says' flapping a hand towards Donghyuck in a dismissive manner, "Go on. What happened to you?"

Donghyuck makes a noise accompanied by a vague gesture. How is it that Ten managed to pick up that there was a problem faster than his own mother? He shudders. Ten has always been strangely perceptive. He misses nothing and it scares him.

"Just stuff you know." He shrugs, changing the subject. "I graduated school."

Ten narrows his eyes at him before gesturing for him to follow.

"Welcome to the sad adult club. Your apron's waiting back here."

Swans has always felt like a portal to the world outside their little town. Its a bit on the pretentious side, with various pieces of exotic fruits and sacks of coffee hanging on the walls. Fake ivy and fairy lights are tangled around the dark wooden beams that extend across the roof, the smell of freshly baked goods ambles through the small building. Pots upon pots of fancy nuts and strange cheeses are stacked with a sign saying 'TWO FOR THE PRICE OF THREE'. Something Low and jazzy offsets the sounds of chatter coming from scattered customers

At the end of the aisle there's an open space, dedicated to the counter. Above it, there's a large scratched, clearly well-loved chalkboard with a drinks menu scrawled in messy white. The glass casing displays an array of croissants, cakes and eclairs. Theres a stack of cherry scones piled high onto a large chipped blue plate and Donghyuck like how it looks, the inky red spots resembling clots of blood. 

Next to that there's a black door, with a framed drawing of a dog saying 'Moo.' on the front. Ten reaches out a slender arms and pushes it open. 

He's never been here before and it’s oddly disappointing, how normal it looks. 

"She's gonna put you on ice cream duty if that's alright?"

"That's fine."

"What days are you free?" He has his phone out, typing away.

Everyday. I literally don't know a single person who wants to be around me.

He decides to take the weekends off. 

"You need to be in from 9 until 6. Youll have 15 minute breaks at pretty regular intervals. It's honestly not that bad."

"That's fine."

Ten looks up, once again curious.

"I've missed you, you know? Lucas doesn't engage in bitchy people watching. He says it's mean or whatever... fucking pussy."

Donghyuck laughs because that's just like Lucas. 

"It's so boring i swear." He stops and examines Donghyuck again. 

He doesn't say anything else, just walks put with him and donghyuck is grateful to be left off the hook, just this once.   
__________________

Unknown Number: Hey 

Donghyuck; Who is this?

Unknown Number: Mark.  
Unknown number: ur numbers still the same

Donghyuck: havnet had reason to change it

Unknown number: oh  
Unknown number: Are you free this evening? 

Donghyuck: no sorry

He'd rather rot than face that conversation.

_________________  
He can have fun on his own.

Sure, he's literally never been this alone in his life and he can't remember a time before Jaemin which makes him more anxious than he wants to admit, but he’s sure that he can find ways to entertain himself.

Boy is he wrong. 

He helps Ten out sorting out stock for a while before being waved off. He bikes around town, just to see what's happening. He chains his bike up outside the community center before going in just to see what's happening. He thinks about signing up for a pottery class before a particularly wrinkly man stares him down for the last spot on the sheet. He almost signs it out of sheer pettiness, but he doesnt think having to wake up at 8 am for ceramics with old people is really worth the satisfaction. 

He leaves his bike there. Not much need for it. He fully intends on spending the day in town.

He goes to the bookstore, where he usually goes with Jaemin where he looks at the miscellaneous kid toy section while Jaemin stands behind him looking at the book section and quickly realizes that he doesn't actually like this place at all and looking at kids toys without a friend right next to you babbling about some fantasy universe is just a bit weird, and there's also an actual child next to him who wants to look at the slime he’s been poking for the last five minutes. 

Walks by a cafe. Catches a view at the corner of his eye and feels sick.

He swallows becuase they're both laughing and Jaemin looks so genuinely happy and light and he wants to scream and cry because of how fucking unfair this all is. 

How is it that he feels like his world has been shaken, feels like his skin has been turned inside out and picked apart by gulls and Jaemin can sit here and love and be loved by somebody and be happy without him?

Jaemin.

Alwayss somebody who'd seen the best in him no matter what. 

After every fight with his mother, Jaemin had been the one to tell him she was wrong, that her words were untrue and that he wasn't a lazy waste of time and space. He was the one who'd held Donghyuck when he'd sobbed into his arms, the first person in their friend group to come out. He was the one who'd told Donghyuck he could get into a college, the one who'd rubbed his arms and told him gently that it wasn't his fault Mark refused to acknowledge his existence.

His eyes well up and again and he's so angry and he needs to punch something or kick something or scream because there's a couple of younger teenagers going past him giving him dirty looks and an old woman across the street glaring at him like hes the dirt off of her shoe.

He makes a show of shouldering past the group and theres a part of his brain that is so humiliated because hes not about to start crying in the middle of the street just because he saw Jaemin and Jeno being happy

He knows how toxic his entitlement is. Maybe thats why nobody will ever love him back.

Hes breathing faster and louder now, hair hanging into his eyes as he walks harder through the street, eyes glued to the ground. 

Nobody can see me right now.

Angry.

I want to be held by someone, i want to be loved just for once.

Why cant i have that. Just a little thing.

Theres nobody here for me anymore.

He shoves his hand in his mouth biting back a sob as he rounds a corner and tucks himself into the dark wall. 

If Jaemin won't love me who will?

He loses his nerve and goes home.

He doesn’t like himself. how is he going to spend the rest of his life with only himself? He's proved time and time again that he's not worth the hassle that comes with being his friend. He doesn't even want to be stuck with himself, why would anybody else willingly take that on?

Too much to think about.

He cycles home.  
______________________________

It's late afternoon when he arrives home, the sun still hot in the sky, the air sticky.

Mark is out on the garden, and he almost breaks his neck doing a double take before reminding himself that yes, mark is home. No you guys aren't really on speaking terms. He's about to speed up again as he approaches his house when he hears a voice shout after him.

Dammit.

He puts his foot on the tarmac and completates whether to take off and pretend he heard nothing or to engane. 

There's footsteps behind him as somebody jogs over.

Shit.

"Hey"

"Hi," he says curtly.

Mark looks lost and he sees regret pass over his face. 

"Did you think anymore about what I said?"

"I've been kind of busy."

"You don't have any friends."

"Tact, mark. Jesus."He says through gritted teeth.

He shrugs, and donghyuck notices he's wearing a shirt with no sleeves.

Thats strange. The mark he remembers would have never willingly worn something like that. Much to Donghyucks annoyance, where he expects to see the chicken arms he knows all to well, appears to be pretty solid muscle now. He doesn't know how he feels about it. It's so wildly different of him. Probably the biggest change Donghyuck's been able to pick up since they've met for the second time.

He looks back up at mark, whos probably noticed him looking and he does his stupid thing where he moves his hand to the back of his neck when hes shy.

"Got it from you."

Mark has a point and he hates it. 

"What did you want?"

"I wanted to talk if that's okay."

It's not really. 

Fuck it he's so lonely.

He shrugs. "Nothin' better to do anyways"

At the bottom of their estate there's a field where the kids play football. Right next to it theres a crumbling wall on on the other side there's a drop, and then a random field. He discards his bike, uncaring. This town is small and he knows everybody and everybody knows him. Nobody would ever bother with it. 

It's been a while since he’s done this, having been busy with school and Mark makes it look so very easy. Donghyuck feels stupid. He wiggles his legs like a puppy learning how to swim, trying to find a palace for his feet to grip. Hes going red in the face and sweating a little and he's thinking about how humiliating this is.

Mark being better than him isn't exactly a refreshing concept, but it's just as mortifying as always.

"You need any help?" marks asks, cautious because he knows how defensive Donghyuck is, but hes clearly trying to hold back a smile.

"Don't need you, thanks." He says, finally managing to slip his legs over. He jumps down, his landing a little rough and painful, but he brushes himself off.

Sassy. Composed. Graceful.

In all hoesntly, he has no idea who owns this field. It's just, always been here. There's a sign saying 'NO TRESPASSING.' But in all his years of trespassing he's never been in any hot water for it. There's some kind of building further up, but he doesn't know what the people in it do and he doesn't actually care. 

In this town if you walk long enough in any given direction, you’ll probably stumble across the canal so that's what and it's…

Surprisingly easy.

Mark doesn't bring up the party and it's like nothing ever actually happened. Donghyuck tells stories about what Mark missed while he's been gone and Mark tells him a story about his roomamte putting popcorn in a toaster and almost lighting the whole building on fire. They're both avoiduig the things they know they should be talking about but its nice.

When they get to the bridge they stop, and watch as the sun goes down over theri town . Where they both grew up. Where Mark left, Where Donghyuck too, is going to eventually abandon. 

"How's the city treating you?"

"Good.. it's different."

They watch the water run.

Silence, except for cars in the distance and the faint rustle of overgrown grass on the banks below them in the light summer wind.

"You gonna talk about why you never said a word?"

Mark starts to say something. He stops and starts again. He sighs and picks at a piece of loose rock.

"I don't know how to. I mean- It's a lot. I just want to be friends again."

"I thought we agreed that I deserve some kind of explanation."

"And you do! Its just-" he scratches his neck.

He sighs again. 

"I missed you so much. Like, just talking to you and joking and stuff. I don't know why I never texted back. I didn't know what to say."

"You knew what to say to the others-"

"The others aren't you. Donghyuck."

His voice sounds thick. He swallows and there's another silence. When he does finally resume talking it's in a quiet voice. 

"I thought I was gonna be able to say it all but it's so hard to get it out. I thought I was doing the right thing and that's all I can tell you. You're not a bad person and it was never ever because you did anything to upset me."

He doesn't reply.

Softly,

"I didn't even think you'd care."

Confusion.

"What?" 

"I mean-" he opens his mouth and closes it. Still clumsy with his speaking.

"Like," hands gesticulating, "like, you never really actually liked me. Or, at least not as much as you liked the others."

What? 

"Mark that's not true, and you know it's not."

"Always felt that way. Like, we were friends but never in the same way you and Jaemin were friends."

Low blow.

"We were friends enough to warrant communication when you left."

"I'm sorry."

Donghyuck can't fucking believe he's crying again.

"I missed you so much you know that right? I cared about you, of course I cared about you- we were friends."

"Can we start over?"

It's a shit explanation, not the one Donghyuck deserved, but it's the bare minimum and he's willing to take what he can get.

"Will you be able to tell me someday?"

Marks breathing is shallow, haggard.

"Hopefully yeah. I just- I've never wanted to make things harder than they had to be and it went got all fucked up anyway."

A pang of sympathy. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's because he's missed Mark, maybe it's the confirmation that on this occasion it wasn't his fault, maybe it's out of sheer desperation to have somebody close.

"C'mere."

Marks turns and wraps his arms around him he can feel Marks tears wetting his shirt. He wrinkles his nose but doesn't say anything, instead tucking his head into the crook of Marks neck.

'fear too early, for my mind misgives;   
Some consequence, yet hanging in the stars,   
Shall bitterly begin.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall!! Last chapter was suppperrr angsty and i wnated to make this chapter lighter wirhout making it like,,, a complete shift in tone. Thing r gonna get better i swear! ALSO!! 8k written!! Thats so sexy Ive never writeen anything this long before. I hope thic chapters okay lol ill hopefukly have the next one up by next friday xxooxxo okay thats all also stream gimme gimme. Im so sorry if its awkward to read this bastard device will not let me use italics >:///. I just want it up more than anything so ill hopefully get to edit over the next week

**Author's Note:**

> :DDD sorry if that was ass <\3 its unbetad. ON AN UNRELATED NOTE if you enjoyed leave a kudos and if you feel like leaving a comment you're automatically sexy. :33 im hopefully going to have the next chapter up by next week XOXOXOX


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